A/n. MIA!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I hope you enjoy this little present from me~ And sorry if it’s too bittersweet…
I was walking past the white corridors, every step taking me closer to a certain ward and I couldn’t even breathe for a moment. In my mind there were so many flashbacks that there was no way I could tell them apart..
I know I was always curious how my life would be if I hadn’t met her or if I never developed feelings towards her. I know there were many times in our relationship when I tried to tell her about how I felt…when I lost my feelings towards her somewhere in between and…. I lost the courage to say it to her….The lie grew wider and wider, turning into a cobweb of hidden unsaid things.
I knew that one day I would explode and tell her everything but I never thought it will make her act like this. I never thought she would hate me this much, delete me completely from her life, ignoring even her closest friends. To think she wanted to commit suicide….
I told her that it was for her own good, that I wanted her to be happy and that I felt like I don’t belong with her… Another lie which made things even worse… She wanted to kill herself to make me feel guilty, to make my life miserable… She was against me being the right one… I know I was wrong…. But….
Then it was her first surgery and I was not there for her… I felt like I didn’t have the right to be by her side… Like I was not wanted… But I found out from Rena – she found out from Haruna – that Minami was staring at her phone all the time before the surgery, waiting for my call or message, talking about me non stop…
I tossed away my fears and ordered a plane ticket… My dad had no idea I did this…. I left and went to meet her…but I lost courage and in the end didn’t even fly there…. Maybe because I was unsure of what to say…or maybe I knew that once I meet her I would be lost in that gaze and would comply to her again, staying with her and not letting go…even though my heart was already craving for another person….
I saw how broken she was and how she treated those close to her… Tossing away everything….Wanting to die in any case to make me unhappy…. And then she found out that another surgery was needed… I knew about her only from ‘Friendnote’ where she posted stuff and updated her status once in awhile… There I saw the chat of our mutual friends and I found out about this second surgery of hers…
I didn’t know until some friends told me…that she wanted to end it all because of me….that she lost faith in life overall… I hate it that Rena was always there for her but Minami didn’t appreciate it….she said Rena is too close to me….. Soon after she cut all ties with everyone….then I found out she said to the doctor to not blame himself if she doesn’t make it…because she wanted to die….
Everyone was more or less worried but they tried to not show it… Only Rena was open about this….she would go and nag her to not give up… I don’t know why Miichan, Sae, Mariko or even Haruna were not as caring as Rena was… Probably because she is the one everyone would turn to when they need help…because Minami was not helping anymore….she was running…dying inside….
I felt so exhausted by all the memories in my head….how we met….how happy we were in the beginning…how things changed and we started arguing about even the smallest things… And then I met Yuko and…. The lies just grew wider….
I reached her ward and wanted to go inside but my hand stopped in front of the handle, all shaking and unable to touch it… I turned around and started going away when I bumped into someone… It was Yuko.
“Y…yuuchan… What are you doing here?” I ask her and tear up, while she hugs me and comforts me, gently rocking me back and forth.
“You have to go in there, Acchan…. You can’t run away, especially now… She wanted to die but she survived the surgery….you just have to go in there and tell her everything, how you felt and what you want… I think if she heard all that is in your heart…. I am sure she would finally be able to let go of you and continue on living… Don’t be afraid anymore…you are hurting me, your friends, her and yourself the most…” Yuko said and I realized she is right.
“Thank you….” I said and went back to the ward’s door. I pressed the handle and went in, instantly meeting with that sad deep gaze of my dear chibi. I closed the doors and let myself run towards her, feeling her pat my head while I sobbed into her lap.
I knew that making her go inside might be the biggest mistake in my life but watching her in this much pain… I just couldn’t live like this anymore… I left the hospital, though my heart was screaming to go back and drag Acchan out of the ward, showing Minami that she lost all the rights to her, that I am the only one who can have Atsuko… Yet I didn’t do so and just got into my car, driving wherever the roads took me…. I found myself in front of Sayaka’s house… I knew why I went there… To talk about this whole situation….
I rang the doorbell and she opened the door. One glance at me and she helped me inside, ordering Sae to bring out some whiskey. They gave me a glass and I calmed down a little bit…then started talking. I was always there for Atsuko but….I felt that Minami was always in between us….
That feeling, nagging inside me was always there, telling me I could never replace that midget for Atsuko…telling me I was not good enough to be in her life… It was hard because Acchan told me I am the only one for her, that she loves me deeply but her posts… They were filled with her longing for Minami….
Today was Acchan’s birthday and I planned a trip and a present….but she got a call from Miichan, saying that midget woke up and…I knew she has to go there to meet her and talk…. I pushed her there though my heart was like a dirty rag, tossed far away and not needed anymore.
I said all this to twin towers and drank another glass of whiskey feeling so down…so unwanted… If only time passed by faster… My thoughts were scrambled and I drank another glass….
I knew Yuko probably headed towards Sayaka’s house… I knew she thought I’ll go back to Minami but… I love Yuko and Yuko only and Minami is already a part of my past and it was what I realized and wanted to express to Yuko. I dialed her number but she ignored my call… Ah, must be drinking…. I went outside and caught a taxi and said Sayaka’s address, calling Yuko again. She dropped my call and I smiled knowing she was jealous… I urged the driver to hurry and anxiously tried to call her again, knowing she won’t answer.
When I got out of the taxi and barged into Sayaka’s house I saw the situation was not that bad… Yuko was crying and all but she was not that drunk so I smiled and hugged her.
“Baka… Do you really think of me that lowly?” I asked her and she shook her head. “I love you, Yuuko. No matter what, I want to be with you. Minami is my past, you’re my present and future.”
“A…cchan…” She kissed me passionately and knelt on her knee. I looked at her wide eyed, tears already escaping my eyes. “This…might be a bit out of place….because we missed our plane and I intended to do so later on but… Would you be so kind and say yes to my next question?
Sayaka smacked her head and Sae face-palmed herself but I needed no more and pulled her up, hugging her and kissing once again.
“YES YES YES YES!!!! YES!!!!!!!” I yelled out and let her put a ring on my finger. It was a very beautiful one, thin and made out of white gold, the small white diamond shinning in a very middle of it. It was so beautiful and simple. “Yuuko….”
“I love you, Atsuko.” She said while staring in my eyes. “Would you be my wife?”
I just nodded, once again agreeing to her finally worded out question and hugged her with all love that I had inside. It might be just the beginning but I felt this time this was the right thing….the right choice…the right person….
The words she said in the hospital bed to me…. I would never forget them…. They will always be etched deep in my heart…. But I think they are the ones that will help me move on with my life…
“Sorry for being selfish, Minami….”