Part 3. Trust and Fears
She lifted the sleeping girl from the middle of the street and glared at all people who were making fun of the poor girl. Her eyes probably looked very scary if everyone started minding their own business and stopped paying attention to those two. Yuko then carried the girl in bridal style to her car and placed her gently on the passenger’s seat by the driver, lowering the seat so the girl would be able to sleep comfortably. She fastened the girl’s seatbelt and closed the car doors. The short girl then went to the other side of the car, opened the doors and sat in a driver’s seat. After closing the doors she looked at the poor state the girl was in.
Here and there torn all dirty white dress with a few spots of blood at the bottom, skin full of red marks; being an adult Yuko instantly knew those were the rough kissing marks. The girl had bags under her eyes yet her face was that of an angel’s. Yuko smiled to herself, fastened her own seatbelt, started the engine and drove out of the parking lot.
Rena woke up in the king size bed in a very neat bedroom with white sheets, violet curtains, creamy soft carpet and huge windows. Rena found herself dressed in a very adorable pink pajama with brown teddy bears on it. She smiled but then the memories of what happened flooded her mind. Her face became all gloomy all of the sudden and the smile disappeared as if it did not exist. She glanced to the side of the bed and noticed a bowl full of fruits and berries on the night table.
The raven haired girl was about to reach for the apple when the door to the bedroom opened and a short Japanese female came in. Her warm smile, cute dimples and comforting gaze looked like it can calm anyone, but Rena had too much pain in her life, especially these past days. She just couldn’t trust an unknown person instantly, not after what happened with her sister. Losing trust had a huge impact on her; being raped was not a welcoming experience either. She hugged herself and tears fell down her cheeks. The woman looked at her with concern and sat down on the edge of the bed further from Rena, presumably not wanting to invade her personal space. They sat like that in silence for a long time but then suddenly Rena’s stomach made a grumbling sound. She blushed and hid her face in the pillow.
“Hey, don’t hide. Your blushing face is very cute” she heard a gentle voice saying. “You must be hungry. I prepared some food, care to join me? If not, just tell me and I’ll let you eat alone.”
No matter how much it hurt Rena’s heart, the feeling of being played with, now she was very hungry. Also, that woman just soothed her somehow, looking like an angel who came from heaven down here to save her. Rena decided to trust someone for the last time in her life and if this time it was also to fail, then she would never be able to trust anyone anymore.
“Un…” The girl was about to get up but Yuko stopped her by shaking her head and index finger while smiling.
“Stay in bed, I’ll bring food here. You need to rest a bit more and also, you’re my guest, let me spoil you a bit.”Yuko gently ordered and then left the room.
She went to the kitchen and took a tray which had dinner for two on it. The woman smiled to herself. She was able to get through the overprotective barrier of that weak girl and it somehow made her feel stronger than she believed she was. Yuko really wanted to help that girl and now she believed in herself; helping the girl was now her goal. When Yuko’s life turned upside down, she left everyone and sank in her sorrow alone, not knowing later she’ll regret not having close friends by her side or someone, who could heal her heart and deep wounds that were marring it. Now she wanted to be that someone for the girl upstairs, even if it meant for Yuko to go a long and hard way to reach into the heart of the hurt girl.
Yuko brought the tray into the room and found the girl crying while clutching onto the sheets. The woman placed down the tray and hugged the crying girl, soothing her with calm words and holding her tightly in a comforting embrace.
Rena felt the woman’s arms wrapping around her, warm hands caressing her back and slowly all the worries that she had about the future faded away. She decided to stop reminiscing of the past for now and wiped the tears away.
“There, are you feeling slightly better?” The beautiful woman asked and seeing Rena nod made her smile brightly, not knowing that for the split second her guest thought of her as a squirrel due to those cute dimples on her cheeks when she smiled. “By the way, my name is Yuko, Oshima Yuko.”
“Rena…Ma…tsui Rena…” She whispered, gulping down the lump in her throat and keeping away the tears that were about to fall down, then smiled vaguely. “I’m feeling better. Really, thank you…”
“Very good, let’s eat then.” Yuko suggested and smiled once again, making Rena smile more sincerely this time.
The two females sat comfortably on the bed and started eating. They didn’t speak and it really was not needed. The silence wrapped around them cozily and warmly. It felt good, to eat just like that, without talking.
Rena had this strange urge to look up but felt too embarrassed to do so. Instead, she decided to secretly observe the woman. Her eyes glossed over the brown hair that were gently falling into very beautiful locks, ending halfway to her elbows; her charming facial features with those gentle brown eyes and the cute dimples when the woman smiled; simple and comfortable clothes, not too fashionable but fitting the older woman perfectly well; and, most importantly, her appetite. The way Yuko was eating made Rena chuckle. It earned a confused look from the older woman.
Yuko looked at the chuckling girl. It was nice to see the pale cheeks getting a rose blush and those lifeless sad eyes getting a spark of joy. Yet she could tell that the girl might be sulking and crying again, once she finishes eating and Yuko leaves the room. The state the girl was in made the woman realize Rena must have went through a lot. It must be very painful for her to bear it all inside; that’s what the woman thought. For her, the girl looked fragile and vulnerable, like a porcelain doll. No, more like an angel, that she wanted to protect and take care of. Yuko giggled, noticing Rena secretly casting glances at her. The way she took the last bite of food and smiled afterwards made something spark inside of the squirrel woman’s heart.
“Gochisoosama deshita.” Rena said.
“Un. Now you should go and sleep more, you need to rest. Okay?” Yuko asked with concern.
“Hai.” The girl rested her head on the pillow and Yuko picked the tray with empty dishes. She was about to leave the room when suddenly she heard a sweet mumble. “Arigatou.”
Yuko felt that same spark vibrate deep inside her and she nearly dropped the tray. Carefully leaving the room, she closed the door, leaving the girl to rest.
Days passed by and Rena seemingly has gotten better. She smiled more, got adjusted to the lifestyle of Cairo and even started cooking dinner for Yuko, who had lots of work now that she had to support not only herself but Rena also. It didn’t mean that everything went smoothly or that the girl’s heart has healed completely. Yuko could tell that the wound was very deep and something very magnificent had to happen for Rena to at least not think about the painful moment in her life daily.
Yuko herself was not feeling all too well. She realized by helping the girl out and accepting her into her house she dug herself a grave. The woman helplessly fell in love with the black haired angel and she couldn’t do anything about it. Both she and Rena had too much pain in their lives to start anything new other than this life they were having at the moment. However, the woman knew that one day she will have to voice out her feelings or they might burst out if bottled up for too long and it could scare the girl way too much.
The main reason why Yuko was sure of Rena getting easily scared by her confession was because Rena still cried at nights. The poor girl had nightmares very often, she would scream and yell a female’s name, afterwards whispering words like ‘No’, ‘please’, ‘stop’, ‘no more’ and so on. Yuko would go and wake up the girl on every such occasion, afterwards hugging her tightly and letting her cry and then calm down, which often resulted in Yuko having yet another sleepless night. One thing for sure, Yuko had to make a decision on what to do and how to help Rena get better and at least stop having the nightmares.
Rena was unsure if she could keep on living like that. Yuko made her happy but at the same time she still felt empty. As if her heart was ripped out of her ribcage and she existed in this world only as a doll, programmed to perform the very basic actions and smile when people expected her to smile. However, she felt as if that was not enough anymore. She still had nightmares and she felt bad for Yuko, who was taking care of her in that state every single night.
What’s worse was the fact that she couldn’t forget Jurina’s voice or face, nor she could forget what happened that fated night. It felt as if Rena was reliving it every single night and she somehow had to pass the day with the feelings from the dream and memories still lingering in her heart. She was thankful to Yuko who sometimes managed to keep those thoughts away but it was such a rarity that it barely counted.
She had to do something about this, about the pain and all the memories. She knew one thing though. She will have to act selfishly. Yuko will miss her, Yuko might even mourn for her, but at this point it was all Rena could do. She had to remove herself from this world in order to finally feel at peace, to finally erase all the bad memories and feelings.
I don’t know why I am even standing here… I have been coming here for five years already and still… I cannot feel anything else but pain… Sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness… It all dies before that one force. Pain. No regrets or remorse, just immeasurable pain. No other pain I ever felt in my life could be compared to this. Nothing has ever felt more agonizing than this misery and torment of knowing and realizing that this was the only way it could have ended.
She was like an angel, but a broken one. She filled my life with happiness and fulfilment, but with every positive feeling that she gave me she added more weight on herself to carry on with her life. The memories from her past, I never got to know what actually happened to her. Maybe it’s for the best. I think if I knew, the pain would be even greater than it is now….would I go the same path as she?
I don’t think of her as of an angel anymore. I have this image in my head, a certain flower that I was once told about. It is a mythical one, no one ever saw it but I think that through that short time I actually was able to see. A capricious Lachrymose. Flower that makes you cry from how suddenly it can change its behavior. It could bloom for a few days and then not bloom for a full year, or it could suddenly bloom for two years and then immediately die because it felt like it was for the best.
The pain in my heart is so strong and I feel like suffocating. How many more years will pass until I stop feeling this pain and misery? Why am I feeling like I will have to carry this torment with me to my grave? I cannot help but cry from all the memories that flood my brain whenever I am here, on the cliff she jumped from. It’s not only memories of her; it’s memories of my life… Of Riku, especially. Rena left my life so suddenly and I feel completely devastated. Did I make him feel the devastation and misery too? Did he realize his mistakes and changed?
I just know that I cannot jump the same way Rena did. I can only keep on moving forward, with this great pain in my heart, live for the poor girl and be thankful to her for opening my eyes. I did love her and I should have confessed. I know she still would have probably jumped but at least my heart wouldn’t feel so heavy. At least I would have made her death with more positive feeling. She at least would have known that there is someone who sincerely cares for her and who will honestly miss her for the rest of the life.
I know I will miss you forever, Matsui Rena, my Capricious Lachrymose…
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