A/n. Thanks to Misaki gurl for a perfect quote that made me have a title instantly xD this is so random guys but seriously, despite the certain tsundere being super mega tsundere, I still have faith in this ship… Just so you know, this is all a fantasy and I really hope Jurina is not having these depressing thoughts that I will write in here… Oh, and this story is obviously for Misaki, and really, for all those wMatsui shippers who, like Jaqueline said to me, felt like this ship was sinking faster than a Titanic… Well, let me bring you an Ice Age, so this ship can be pulled out of the water together with the whole iceberg that brought it down in the first place. Keep believing, folks!
*drops le story*
All the smiles she put on her face this whole time were fake. Not entirely, but deep inside Matsui Jurina was hurting. Really bad. If only she have gotten the first place… If only she could claim the center position..maybe that would have brought the person she wanted to see the most out there…. Nah, who she was kidding… Once out of SKE48, the person was out completely and wanted nothing to do with it anymore.
Of course, third place was not that bad, theoretically speaking. She gained a number of votes, bested her personal record, finally broke into Top 3, beating even Kashiwagi Yuki…which was kind of sad, looking how the girl lost the biggest number of votes in history… And another good thing was that Suda Akari finally broke into Kami 7. There were a lot of good things talking about the whole Sousenkyo deal. Then why was Jurina unhappy?
Well, obviously it all started after her rival, crush and last name and center sharer left 48Groups. After Matsui Rena left, all hell broke loose. Management treated SKE48 worse and worse each day, girls kept graduating, they were not getting into big shows, their performances being cut and so many other things… Jurina’s head was hurting. She made a bold move to deny the Kennin position in Team K. Afterall, there was no older Matsui there for her to lean on, to support her, to fight for SKE. And as much as Jurina wanted to leave things like that to Churi or Masanya, she knew they also needed her.
Jurina loved SKE48 so much she could probably give away her life in order to save the group, to make the members happy and well. So she kept on pushing herself, ignoring the pain inside that has been growing from the day Rena left the group. Of course, for the sake of public eye, the puppy girl kept on her face as smiley as ever, her presence as strong as possible, even shedding – somewhat – her puppy image and turning all sexy and feminine.
She still kept on announcing her feelings to Matsui Rena, still proclaiming the huge love and mentioning her name here and there, but she did it less and less, realizing the older Matsui was as cold as ice and nonexistent in anything 48Groups related. It hurt the puppy girl a lot, but she just kept her smile face on, pushing her feelings as deep inside as possible, hiding even from herself.
The even darker times came, with Miyazawa graduating, SKE48 being denied of appearing on a few big events and even more members announcing graduation. And then this dreadful Sousenkyo came. Obviously, Jurina was aiming for the top spot. One, for all the SKE members, to show that she was indeed their light in the darkness, to show that SKE was not done for. Two, to show management that their decisions regarding SKE were a big bullshit and that they needed to hurriedly do something to rise SKE back to their glory. Three, to show Matsui Rena that Jurina was okay without her, that she achieved something without her being by her side. Well, none of those happened.
The younger Matsui didn’t blame her fans. The number of votes she got made her happy to know how many supporters she had. Of course, there was a downside to that, which was the decrease in votes for other SKE48 members, and some of the results pained her to no end. But regarding the first place, of course there were two big walls she still needed to climb over. Mayuyu was not what bothered the puppy girl. That wall was still reachable… Sashihara however… She could only sigh and wondered what could she really do in order to achieve that kind of success. Probably nothing.
After the Sousenkyo – she was all smiles, proclaiming to be happy about the rank, saying there are still five years at the very least ahead of her to reach the No.1 spot – Jurina got a lot of congratulatory and supportive messages from the members who were not part of SKE48 anymore, and even from a few graduated friends from other 48 groups, even a few senpais. Ooshima Yuuko, Shinoda Mariko, Maeda Atsuko, Kinoshita Yukiko, Furukawa Airi, Miyazawa Sae, and so on and so on. The list was long and she was glad to have so many people who supported her. Even Yagami Kumi and Matsushita Yui messaged her. All of them did. All but one.
She met up with Nishishi and Neesan a few days after the Sousenkyo was over. It was nice seeing them after quite a while and if they knew something was not okay, they didn’t touch the topic. They met up with Masana and Kuwabara Mizuki and the five of them spent a blessing time together, going shopping, eating and even to Karaoke. No one mentioned Rena’s name and Jurina was very, VERY thankful. She didn’t want them to know that the person who was like a sister to her – in their eyes at least – didn’t send even one word of support or encouragement.
To be quite frank, Jurina felt exhausted and about to break into tiny pieces. She was lying even to herself the whole time, claiming she needs no one, that she is strong and can be the supporting pillar to all the girls in SKE48. She listened to their worries, cries, laughter, supported them and entertained them, and as the weekend approached she fell sick. A good thing was she had a day off on Saturday – no one knew about it, she asked her manager not to tell anyone about her condition. Worrying her juniors and fellow group mates was out of question. So she ended up lying in bed, all shivering in cold, not being able to wash up or eat anything, alone and no one to share her burdens and pain with.
Yet she bravely kept responding to a few messages members sent her, being all smiles and pretending all was well, avoiding talking about work. She did all that in between the times she passed out from being sick. She felt like the walls were closing in on her yet she kept pushing herself, even calling a few members who had a few big gigs, asking how it went, forcing herself to sound as positive and happy as possible, as supportive as she really wanted to be.
So of course, when she regained consciousness after one of many pass outs late in the evening, the fact that she could smell delicious food being cooked or that a cold towel was on her forehead, or even the fact that she was not shivering anymore seemed more like a dream than reality to her. She was just hoping she would never wake up from that state because it felt nice and cozy and she was not in pain as much as before. Jurina knew that obviously this was not gonna last long and soon she was going to wake up alone in her apartment, shivering, sick and hungry.
But as she was about to drift back into sleep-land, a too familiar scent wafted into her nostrils and her eyes shot open, because even in her biggest wildest dreams the scent never visited her. Which meant only one thing. And what she saw before her eyes made her literally pinch herself. It hurt. She was not dreaming.
“H-how…” Jurina whispered in a raspy voice. Her throat was dry due to the lack of water and food in her system, or maybe it was due to the sheer level of surprise and her still not being able to comprehend the situation.
“If there is one person your manager will always inform about you being sick, we both know that will only be me.”
Jurina wished she was not weak. She really wanted to yell, scream, rage, be rude and cold, but all she could do was relish in the touch when those cool and gentle hands replaced the already warm towel with another cold one, when she was carefully held up while a glass of water was given to her. Everything was so familiar and yet so painful, because she knew this was not gonna last long. The care she was given, how the so familiar scent enveloped her in sweet and painful memories, how she was tucked in or how her damp hair was brushed away from her sweaty skin.
“Now rest a bit more, I’ll wake you up when the food is ready.”
It was too good to be true. It was too much. She felt like crying, laughing and hyperventilating at the same time. She did not want to be left alone, she did not want to lose the sight of this dark angel, she had no idea what to do with herself. Yet she was tired and exhausted and soon sleep took over.
Gentle nudging woke her up, together with even stronger smell of familiarity and food. Sweet words entered her brain but it was hard to decipher them, she was still thinking this was all a dream. Maybe her mother visited her and was taking care of her. She was probably just exhausted after overworking herself and imagining things was her escaping the reality.
“Jurina, you need to eat…”
Her brain finally registered the sound and exact words. She opened her eyes, only to once again find the same person from before by her side, worried expression all over that beautiful face. To say she didn’t miss this, to say she didn’t want this…would be a lie, and yet at the same time the truth.
“Here, I’ll help you sit up.”
She wanted to argue, to yell, to refuse, but she was still weak and sick. So she let Matsui Rena sit her up against a bunch of pillows and carefully feed her dinner. She was eating and yet she couldn’t tell what it was, because all that she cared about at that moment was how tired her dark angel looked, or how beautiful her hair fell against her back, escaping the clutches of a hair pin, how carefully she was being fed by the older Matsui, or how painful it felt to be in this situation. Her heart was hurting so much, she was feeling so many emotions but she hid it all, despite knowing Rena probably could see through her as clear as through the glass.
After the food was gone, Rena helped Jurina lie back and pressed a palm on her forehead. The palm was so cool, almost cold and yet it felt very warm at the same time. Jurina saw a small smile escape the older girl’s lips and she knew her condition was better. It made her worry however, because it probably meant the other Matsui will soon leave and she will be left all alone for god knows how long.
Maybe she showed too many emotions in her face because Rena let out a sigh and took the dishes to the kitchen. Jurina thought this was it, she felt like the other girl didn’t really want to be here and she will leave, but to her surprise Rena came back. The older Matsui sat down on Jurina’s bed and brushed yet another strand of hair from her face. It made the younger one intake a sharp breath because the touch was not as light as before.
“I think I owe you an apology. Hush, let me speak.” Rena started and pressed a finger on Jurina’s lips as soon as she noticed the girl was about to say something. “I know I hurt you. I was selfish, I thought this was for the better to everyone. I honestly thought this will help you grow up and get stronger. I didn’t want my name to carry anything 48Group related. I wanted to be known as an actress Matsui Rena, not an ex-SKE48 Matsui Rena. While I somewhat achieved that, my name is still being associated with your group and also… I hurt you. I thought you will understand me, I never thought of you possibly not knowing my reasons. I think I should have explained it to you, but then again, we both know you wouldn’t have agreed to all this.”
Jurina was listening to Rena’s words in shock. Not of what was being said, but of how it was being said. For one, she never expected the older Matsui to apologize or realize she hurt her. Two, she could see the pain and honesty in the other female and it pained her too. It was as if whatever they felt resonated within the other. The connection between them was as strong as ever, despite the older trying so hard to deny it.
“I’m sorry… I know it isn’t much after all the pain I made you go through… All these heavy burdens I passed onto you without explanation… While it did help you get more mature and you ended up taking care of your juniors… I know this has left a scar inside you, a deep wound that is nearly impossible to heal… You don’t have to forgive me, I know I do not deserve that…” Rena closed her eyes and took a few small breaths. Jurina realized the older Matsui was about to cry. Her finger was still on the puppy’s lips, pressing gently yet firmly. “I am a coward for not wanting to face you, being scared I will quiver the moment I see you. However…after hearing how sick you are, I knew it was my fault… I couldn’t bear it, the thought of you alone fighting your sickness…”
Jurina had no idea where the strength inside her came from, but soon she was sitting up and hugging the older Matsui tightly. She had to do it to completely feel the other girl, to fully grasp the fact her precious Rena was really here, that the words she heard were really spoken by her. Soon she felt the other female hug her back and as a few sobs followed by more sobs reached Jurina’s ears, she could only tighten the hold. The younger Matsui realized that despite her being in pain, the other one was also hurting.
After Rena stopped crying and was only resting her head on Jurina’s shoulder, the puppy pulled back a bit and wiped a few tears away from that beautiful face. Something changed in the atmosphere when their eyes met, after all, they were in a close proximity and the tension that was suddenly everywhere around them only made Rena’s eyes open wide. It was as if their roles changed and now Jurina felt like an older one. Not exactly like that, more like the one taking charge.
“I forgive you. My reason is very simple and you know it all too well. I said those words to you many times, I don’t know if you ever took them seriously but I meant it every time. You don’t have to feel the same way. You just have to know I mean it.” She finally let out her feelings and burden to the older girl. It was not easy but she had to let it out, to be completely free and let Rena know she was always honest. “Even when my tone was joking, I always meant it. That’s the reason why I forgive you, even after you hurt me so much. It’s because I love you.”
I always knew deep inside that Jurina had those feelings for me. I somewhat believed in them every time, however, I guess I was too stubborn and in denial. I can see sincerity in her eyes like any other time when she said those words and I don’t know why but my heart feels warm. I should act like all those times before and ignore it but for some reason this time I simply cannot. Maybe because it’s just the two of us sitting so close to each other, maybe because I haven’t seen her for so long that it is nearly impossible to deny how much I missed her. If to be honest, it is probably because I also love her. I don’t know for how long I have been in love with her, but when I realized it for the first time, she was still an illegal brat who could turn either into a very cute adorable puppy or this too mature for her age girl who would make all the other girls swoon for her.
Hiding these feelings was my priority above everything else. I am someone who always follows the rules, who doesn’t like scandals or problems arising to the ones I love and care about. So it was a task I gave to myself to protect Jurina at any cost, to not let her experience any of those negative things while I was part of 48Groups. However, one day I realized I was being too overprotective and it was stopping her from growing up. Yes, she was already mature and grown up but it was not natural, it came with too many responsibilities from young age. I thought if I leave and she has to take care of the group she really loves and do it without me being as a shield… Yeah, well, that didn’t end all too well… I got her sick in bed, alone and hurt.
Also, I hurt myself too. I practically tore myself out from the group I lived for, from the person I loved so much. Obviously, acting was something I loved and I still love it with all my heart. I am doing things I always wanted to do, giving my all. Yet there is a part of me lost and missing. Well, was before I found myself in the same room with this stupid puppy of mine. Yeah, I am in a really bad state because I already call her mine. I am sure all wMatsui fans would squeal at this point if they knew what is in my head and that we both harbour feelings for each other. However, it is not that simple to overcome a lot of barriers that are between us. At least for me.
Her eyes are so beautiful and the way she looks at me is telling me more than if she was speaking. I know Jurina is not expecting me to reply anything. I also know she is not expecting any positive reaction from me. I can tell Jurina is waiting for me to either ignore what she said or laugh it off or pat her head or joke about it as I used to do in the past. But I know now that she is not a kid anymore, that I don’t have to protect her image here, in this room. I know that if I say anything of those words from before, it will do no good for either of us. I have to be honest for once, drop all of the worries and over thinking and just go with my gut, my heart and soul.
“Jurina…” I hear my quiet voice resonate in the room. Her eyes have this expectant glitter for a mere second and then it dies down, I can already tell she thinks she knows what I have to say. This idiotic puppy, she really was hurt by me. It is all my fault for leading her to this state she is in right now. I want to make her smile again, I want to see her cheerful and bright, and not just the one who pretends to be like that, I want to see an honest expression on her face. Despite me not showing it to any living soul, I did closely follow all her activities. I have written at least a million versions of my reply to her congratulating me on my birthday, yet I never found the courage in me to send any of those. I can blame only myself for her pain and it’s only me who can heal her.
I lean forward, closing the distance between us and see Jurina’s eyes widening in surprise. Her mouth opens up, maybe in sheer disbelief or maybe because she has something to say. Our lips are so close from kissing and I am itching to lean even more forward to remove the gap between us. Before I do that, I look deeply into Jurina’s eyes. I am trying to send a signal to her, shedding all of my fears and worries and only holding onto honesty and my love for her. I can see all sorts of emotions resonating in those beautiful orbs and then it is she who leans closer and our lips touch.
We have kissed countless times before. Most of the times it was playful, fanservice, Jurina wanting attention and sometimes it was planned by the crew or managers, well, again, fanservice. I am not gonna lie, I enjoyed them most of the time, but I would have never admitted it. Especially the Kiss Datte Hidarikiki promotions, I begged for Jurina to not kiss me on stage. Most of the times I managed to avoid her kisses but there were times we ended up kissing lightly. My heart would race every time to the point where I was unable to think clearly. I was doing my best to hide my feelings for Jurina and the times our lips were touching were the hardest to not just lose myself and kiss her properly.
This time the way we kiss is completely different. There’s no playfulness or hurry, our lips meet slowly and testing, our heads looking for a perfect angle until we find the best one. I love the way her lips taste, it is not really anything particular since she just before finished eating, and yet I can also taste a distinct flavor in my mouth, a Jurina specific flavor. It reminds me of one time back in the days, when it was just the two of us in the practice room, late at night. Jurina was helping me with Escape choreography and there was a power outage all of a sudden. I think she was the one who got closer to me first or maybe it was me and on accident – or maybe somewhat purposefully – our lips met and we kissed. It was not a long kiss but it was enough for me to know the Jurina flavor that her lips tasted of.
And now I can feel her getting impatient, I know she wants to take lead, it’s obvious she was reading fanfiction. However, she forgets I am older and have more experience. Okay, maybe she kissed way more girls in 48Groups than anyone else, but that doesn’t define her being the top. I push myself into her, making her lie on bed and not breaking the kiss. I can see a hint of slight fear in her eyes which soon is replaced by embarrassment as her cheeks flush in red. I rarely saw her this vulnerable when kissing someone and it just drives me to kiss her deeper, my teeth nibbling on her lower lip, making her part her lips to take some air into her lungs.
I don’t let her enjoy the freedom for too long, and soon my tongue is exploring her mouth. I can feel Jurina’s arms hugging me and pulling me in close, her legs wrapping around my hips. At the back of my head a thought nags me, saying it is not okay to kiss her after I hurt her so bad, but I think this all is long overdue and we need to let out our emotions. The way she completely gives in, the way her eyes flutter and the way her mouth tastes… I could kiss her for ages, for all eternity, just kissing and doing nothing else. It’s a paradise but I want more. However, I don’t want to use her, I want this to be mutual. I want to know if she wants this the way I want this.
I pull back, we both are huffing, trying to get oxygen into our lungs and then suddenly she flips me, getting on top of me and smirking. Jurina doesn’t speak, she just leans in and captures my lips, kissing and nibbling, her hands holding onto my waist, leaving me stunned and in heat. I cannot explain how I feel other than turned on and mesmerized. I have to admit I love Jurina dominating me, as much as I thought I should be the one doing that. I guess, just because she is younger, it doesn’t mean I have to be the one taking control. And her confidence makes me forget she is still sick. Her confidence, the way she removes my clothes and undresses herself… The way she explores my body and the way she moans when I explore hers… This memory shall be embellished in my brain forever, I don’t want to ever forget this night, no matter what happens to us in the future.
Jurina was lying in Rena’s arms, watching the older girl’s chest slowly rise up and then go down in a steady rhythm. She couldn’t help but smile thinking of last night. They made love and then talked about their feelings. They remembered the past and made love again. Looking through the window and seeing the sun shining brightly outside made her heart flutter. Rena promised they will go to a quiet cafe not far from here, away from prying eyes, just the two of them. A date. A proper date for them to establish their reunion and feelings. A time for just the two of them. A day where they can enjoy each other’s company.
The younger Matsui knew things were going to return to normal, somewhat. Starting on Monday they will not see each other in public, Rena will be as cold as she always was. They will have to keep such an image outside. However, they will be meeting and calling each other, more often than what Jurina initially was expecting. She was happy to know that the other Matsui loved her as much as she loved her and that this relationship had a future. Not tomorrow, not next year, but someday, when she leaves 48Groups they will be able to be together openly in some country.
It made her quietly chuckle, remembering all the AtsuYuu media her senpais let out to public. Obviously, their fans were rejoicing and saying AtsuYuu was real. If only they knew how right they were. AtsuYuu was one of the happiest couples out there and Yuuko-senpai was always the one who encouraged Jurina to not give up on Rena. Now she knew way. Of course senpai would see through Rena, of course she would know that the older Matsui had feelings for Jurina but it was obviously not Ooshima’s place to say it all to the youngster.
Now things were all good and Jurina couldn’t be happier. She was in her beautiful Rena’s arms. She was happy and content. She was in heaven and paradise, if that was only possible. All her worries about the future of SKE48 went away after talking with Rena. She knew what she had to do, she was confident once again about her purpose in the group and about her role in the idol world. Jurina watched Rena stir a bit in her sleep and then she was pulled in closer by the older girl. A cute ‘good morning’ followed by a quick kiss made Jurina’s heart skip a beat and she nuzzled in the older female’s neck. This was a perfect morning. She would have to say a ‘thank you’ to her manager later, but for now she was going to sleep more and enjoy the embrace of Rena. After all, wMatsui was reunited and nothing could tear them apart ever again. They were simply meant to be together, forever. With that thought Jurina closed her eyes and fell asleep.