A/n. A quick OS inspired by real time experience.
I feel like a thousand needles are probing my skin, threatening to pierce through it and into my flesh. My whole body is involuntarily shivering as I feel tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. I try to steady my breathing, taking oxygen into my lungs slowly, then exhaling a bit faster and repeating the process a few more times. I want to take my mind away from this tremor that is shaking my being so I stand up and walk to the bathroom, but not before casting a glance back to her.
Her grin is still on her face, those slender arms brought up to her mouth as she bites on her nails. Without the infamous giggle her whole aura is even more scary and I can’t help but feel affected by it, unlike before, when her gaze would make me either smile or feel safe. Now it makes me terrified and unsure of what to do, so I decide to escape into my safe heaven. As I take steps up the stairs, I feel the first wave of panick attack rush over me.
I guess everyone’s panick attack is different, since whenever I read about it, I never seem to find anyone’s experience anywhere close to mine. When the first wave hits me, it always feels like a huge cotton ball is stuck somewhere in my throat. It’s not painful but I cannot seem to intake any breath of air and it becomes scary to the point where my lungs and chest area start to hurt. It’s then when my head turns into a dizzy mush and I know I need to go somewhere with lots air, an open space.
That’s what I do now, somehow rushing to my safe-heaven upstairs. On the rooftop I lean onto the railing and stare into nothingness, trying to think of nothing but breathing. Maybe the change of scenery or the fact the place is huge and there’s lots of air helps me, and I slowly take a first actual breath of air into my lungs, feeling a sharp twinge in my chest when it’s affected by unexpected gust of air.
As I manage to regain my normal breathing bit by bit, I realise I am sitting on the floor with my arms hugging my knees and my head hung low, tears rolling down my cheeks. A belated sadness washes over me and I choke on my tears, silently sobbing and wondering how come I have to be the one to feel like this. I know for sure I did nothing wrong and yet I am the one who is here, having a panic attack.
Of course, I can only be glad I didn’t have a second stage of it. It’s when my vision gets blurry and for some time I lose consciousness and do things without realizing I do them,to the point where I can even hurt myself. There was a time that during one of such attacks I hit my head into the wall so many times a neighbor rang my door bell to ask if I need help with renovating. Of course, after seeing my read forehead he asked if I need a doctor. The speed I closed the door into his face with, it was one of my quickest.
I hear a giggle and that makes me step out of my memory lane and look around. She is here, extending her bloody hand towards me and caressing my hair. I cannot even stop her, I can just lean into the touch; it’s really warm, even if my brain knows it’s so wrong. I sense her pulling on my hair, as its roots are tugged sharply onto and a tingling sensation is felt on my scalp. I involuntarily stand up, knowing she’ll pull harder fi I don’t do what she asks me to.
“Yuki…” She whispers, and I am unsure if the sincere tone I hear in her voice is honest or not.
“How could you…” I hate how easily she uses my real name now, I somehow only manage to stutter Matsui in our more intimate moments. “Sakura was…”
“Too cocky.” She spat out and then giggled. “Miss her already?”
I know I could say the truth, say I want my youngster to be okay, to be around with that infectious smile, but I know if I say that, there will be consequences no one would want to witness. I just shake my head and take her extended hand. We walk downstairs, then pass the room, my eyes looking elsewhere but at the body that’s lying battered and without any signs of life on the floor. Poor Sakuratan… I didn’t manage to warn her before it’s too late and now she has met the fate that Rena prepared to her.
I feel bile rising up, but swallow it and let the giggling girl take me away from here, feeling unsure of the future or what the next day will bring. I love this monster, no matter how many or what bad things she does. I am no saint either and I can only be with her as she can only be with me. That’s the one and only truth I know and believe in.