Weird Kind of Jealousy

A/n. Just another random one, this time more on the angsty side I guess… Written from Yuko-sama’s POV

 

 

I hate it, the jealousy in my heart. It is so weird that I despise it, I despise even myself…. It’s not your usual type of jealousy, where you see your beloved one with another person and then get at that man’s or woman’s throat… And it’s not the kind of jealousy whee you stalk your beloved at every possible opportunity, read all the messages and accuse your dearest one of cheating… No…. It’s so different, so….weird….

We are friends from way before I can remember, we grew up together, we even shared the pacifier and toys – our mothers were best friends – but… You never looked at me the way I wanted you to look at me… If this was a letter that I am writing I would put it in a nicer way and try to make my words flow gently like a river, using metaphors and other ways I know to make it look like a very well written text… But these are only my thoughts and they will never reach you… So I can think freely, in a jumbled and messy way…. that’s how they are, scrambled in my head and unsorted…

Being friends with you should be enough for me, taking into account the fact that you live in Tokyo while I moved to Aichi… I am staying at my cousin’s place. Rena is very a gentle and serious girl, giving her all to studies. And she knows my deepest secret… That I am secretly in love with you… No, I am not sure if this is love already, it might be just a huge like but… I mean, we even were friends with benefits before I moved here and….your scent and the taste of your lips are still lingering in my mind… I even have dreams of the past…. Of those nights, when our hot and drenched bodies would lie tangled; our breathing uneven but eyes shinning with contentment…

You, being the No.1 actress of Japan you are, never have time for others and even to me, your supposedly best friend, you fail to write a message…. I feel forgotten but at the times we actually talk on phone – ah, the rare and treasured ones – you reassure me I am still the one you hold in you heart as the dearest. I know I should believe in your words and I know that sincerity in your voice is real. Yet… I even know I am the one being guilty because of us being separated… I had all opportunities to stay in Japan and study whatever subject I wanted….

Then what am I doing here in Aichi? That is what you ask me every time we talk and I simply say – work. Yes, I am a kindergarten teacher and I love kids too much to quit this job… If I could… I’d still not leave this place because…. You see no future with me… You value your job as an actress too much to leave it and try to live a normal life… When I see you on TV and you smile to someone – be it reporter or a fan – a huge pang of jealousy appears in my heart and I can do nothing but stare grimly at such a heart aching view or turn the TV off.

We talked about meeting…me coming to you or you coming to me… you said it’s impossible and that we should stop talking about it… I stopped but it hurts me that you fail to believe in my intentions to really come and visit you on holidays…. It’s like you don’t want me to come…. It’s like you have someone already… When we talk with camera on – it happened only twice, you using such excuses as ‘work’, ‘look bad’, ‘too tired’ and others – and I see you smiling at some message that you got or your favorite idol being on TV… I want to jump right through the screen and show you a lesson on how you shouldn’t neglect me and how your attention should be cast only on me… We don’t have that many chances to talk because of you work…and that is why I hate it when you don’t treasure our moments and turn your attention towards other things…

That Bakamina – actually, it’s Japan’s most selling singer Takahashi Minami – is always by your side for some reason, but you claim she’s only your good friend… Then why do you always cling on her like it would cost you your dear life to let go of her hand for a second? Why your beautiful eyes always look for her when she’s not around…? Why that loving gaze pierces my heart when I see that it is directed towards that midget? Why do you always mention he in magazine interviews, TV shows and lives, but you never even once mentioned having  a best friend – non celebrity one – and that you miss her and wanna meet her someday when it’s possible? Why the paparazzi always catch you with that Minami in cafes and shops, taxis and planes? Why do they speculate that you two might be romantically involved and even call you AtsuMina?

I might really be in love with you…. But you will never know of it… I’ll die here after a few years and my love for you will die together with me… It’s so hard to live knowing I will never be able to hold you in my arms again….and that you will never belong to me…..as you already have someone else in you life…. I will die of this disease that I have, aloe and long forgotten… When the fateful day comes, you will probably be kissing Minami in some hotel room and Rena will be studying in USA… Even my classmate NyanNyan – the girl with huge and most beautiful boobs on this earth – will be dating some guy and watching movies with him while resting her head on his shoulder… I will be lying on my bed, clutching the only remembrance I have from you – flower shaped pin that I got from you as a birthday present….and die, thinking about this weird kind of jealousy and how I never got the courage to confess to you….

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